it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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