so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize