So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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