Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
