Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
