Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
