so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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