She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I stole a fireplace last night.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize