Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
i think we sleep fucked last night...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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