Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
