when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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