mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
