dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
