You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize