Apparently you make a good broom.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
