Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My vagina just recognized that song.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
