what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
