She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
