From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
