Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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