Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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