I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
