I need to stop coming to work sober
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
