Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
