I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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