Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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