dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
