his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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