she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
