im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
