if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
