MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
