My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I need mimosas to revive my soul
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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