So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
We're using joints as your birthday candles
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize