So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
