I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
