arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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