Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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