i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
