i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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