Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You need Xanax blowdarts
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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