I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
