Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
