if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
