Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Randomize
