I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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