His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize