Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
