i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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