I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
