You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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