So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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