Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
