Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Is Oprah even human
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
