I'm lost and stupid without you.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
