She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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