I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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