he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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