So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
