So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I fill condoms, not promises.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
