I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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