Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She bit a glass in half.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
