I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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